In
August of 2011, I had to make the decision of whether or not to place my mother
permanently into a skilled nursing facility. It broke my heart to leave her
with a few personal items around her in a windowless room. My only comfort was
that she would be watched more closely there than on the assisted living floor
where she had fallen four times before they realized she was having small
strokes and also had a bladder infection.
I
honestly expected, as most percentages predicted, that she would go downhill
from that point and would not last more than two years. It has been five years
now, and she has coped with the challenges of living in and out of a hospital
bed. She was moved into a double-bed room where she now overlooks the same
garden she used to see from her and my dad’s first apartment. I believe she is
more than content, or at least that’s what I think I see when I visit.
After
I made that guilt-ridden decision to have her stay permanently in skilled
nursing care, I began to empty her studio apartment on the assisted-care floor.
I realized, at that time, how much my mom had been quietly and steadily letting
go of her life over the years leading up to that move. She had one pot and no
pans. Her dishes were enough for four but she had only one coffee mug. Her dresser
drawers were barely filled and then only with essentials. I found one purse,
one hearing aid, one hand lotion. Her knitting needles were packed away and
there was no yarn in any of her usual caches.
Most
of her clothes and underwear had her name sewed into them or marked with a
marking pen.
Over
the course of these last five years, her memories of the past have begun to
loosen. Her ability to perform her activities
of daily living are diminishing. My mom is reminding me of my youngest
granddaughter who will be turning six next week. Bella continues every day
to add one more skill or word or concept into her experience so she can grow
and cope in this world. Where Bella is assembling her personality, my mom is
dis-assembling herself until, perhaps, she can become light enough to float away.
