The house is quiet now without the burbling humidifier on the O2 tank or the click of the on-demand oxygen concentrator. I can sit in his place at the head of the kitchen table and enjoy the full spectrum view of garden and trees from here. I can turn on lights and make noise in the middle of the night and throw away the old fashioned Corelware dishes we've had for 28 years.
And I can wail and rant because I have all the opportunities for changes and adventure I can create and do alone. It's just that I don't want to do any of them today.
In one short moment, in the early hours of 8/28, his life stopped. Our life together came to an end.
I never, ever, thought I would be a widow. In the middle of the morphine and tube drainings. . . while I was immersed in and focused on his needs and wants, I lost myself more totally than I had before his illness. I craved the proximity of his body, patting and rubbing it whenever I was near. A dose of medicine or a bite of food always concluded with a kiss . . . a hug . . . a meaningful stare.
On the day before he died, I began letting him go in a ceremony for myself where I regrounded thickly with Earth and Sky. On that afternoon, I retrieved the energetic cords binding me to the layers of his body and chakras. I feel those cords now, writhing like octopus arms, searching for a hand hold on something or somebody else. Each time I sense the grasping, I wrap my arms around myself and hold on tight to this person I think I am at this time.
I know I am not broken, only overwhelmed with an indescribable sadness for the loss of this man who shared his life with me and the daily opportunities we gave each other to do just that.
Dear Earlene...
ReplyDeleteWhile I only have just come to this blog to read of your world I can feel your pain of the loss of your husband. I cannot imagine it.
What can I offer you in ways of relieving that loss? Only this...he will be there with you in the quiet mornings as you hear the sigh of a breeze gently pass you by, the morning sun as it begins to warm the skies, the tastes of your favorite meals and drinks shared together, music loved and danced to and a myriad of other things...
I believe you are a warrior as you shared with a world at large your feelings and innermost thoughts as you have walked this journey...and I will say this...I will walk hand in hand with you should you need me. Your ceremony held much for you and in the doing I think your Beloved sensed it and knew it was okay to leave? In your words I know that you are strong, will persevere, will carve another dimension to your life and bring honor to yourself and your Beloved.
May Great Spirit Bless You Richly and Keep You in the fold of His Mighty Wings...
May the Long Time Sun Shine Upon You and Bring You Peace!