Every day, it seems, I’m living my life as if I have, what I can only describe as, a temporary case of selective amnesia.
Let me try to explain this.
Try living a morning or a day so engrossed in what you’re doing you never chance to see a reflection of your face. All of a sudden you pass a mirror and wonder ‘who is that person?’ You realize your hair was never combed or dirt smudges your cheek. Those of us growing older, but who still feel young, are startled by grey hair and wrinkles.
In that instant of seeing ourselves we feel frustration at the disarrayed hair, anger because no one told us we’d smudged our face, or sadness because we recognize our loss of youth. When we were doing and experiencing our life in the ‘now’ is shattered by an awareness of another reality, a different set of details than the ones we were working with. And that’s how it goes for me.
The instant one thing causes a memory to arise, I’m slammed with a sharp energy, reminding me how totally my life has changed.
Each moment of reconnection is momentous and, until recently, I reacted helplessly. I don’t think this will ever really go away, but I’ve devised a plan where I’m protecting myself from the onslaught of unpredictable emotions.
To protect myself from the helpless awareness of how much my life has changed, I’m choosing to change it myself. I’ve donated the 20-year-old dishes and bought a newer, smaller set. The extra leaves to the kitchen table are stored now, and I’ve added a placemat and dried flowers where the Lazy Suzanne once sat. I moved the butter dish to a cabinet, recovered the living room couch, changed the bedspread and rearranged the bedroom. These aren’t drastic actions, but doing them gives me a small feeling of control. I remind myself I’m free to make these choices for myself now as well as make new memories. For now, this is what’s working.
Nice post Earlene,
ReplyDeleteAlthough the changes in my life are not as drastic as yours, I find that while I am teaching martial arts I get so engrossed in the process that I forget about the sadness of the loss of my relationship with M. Those breaks are now coming in more places and more often and this seems to be having a big effect on my letting go. I will be moving to a new apartment on Saturday and this will be a really healthy change.
Sounds like you are being very self-healing Earlene and I applaud you for that...living in the present moment is all we should be doing...any of us, and sometimes that can be extremely difficult and especially with with your recent loss of your husband of many years.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing quite well...and as for the gray hair and smudges of dirt, well, if you are actively engaging yourself what does it really matter, after all? Those are quick fixes Sister Love...I sometimes do the same.
I think too you are a powerfully wise woman!
Blessings of Peace to You!