Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Confession #2

OK! I can’t do it! I thought I could, but I can’t. It’s too soon. I’ve not unraveled myself enough from my 33 year marriage to step out with another man.

I thought I could translate my yearning for comfort and companionship to an attitude of adventure and searching. The reality is I yearn for Y‘s arms, his lips, his crazy sense of humor, his world view. He was my anchor in the everyday world of living.

I could count on him to be hungry for lunch at 12 noon sharp and dinner at 6 PM. I could depend on his ability to sort through my moments of confusion about a priority, friendships, food preparations, broken equipment and come up with just the right question or observation or capable hands to settle me back into place. Who else could do that? Who knows me that well? No one! And, I have to face the fact that I don’t have another 33 years to break someone into that role.

So here it is again, that grief of having lost my buddy, of wanting my life back the way it was. I’ve allowed this dating service idea to screw with my head, to be the making or breaking of my self worth, and I’m not going to do it anymore. My value is not out there, it’s inside me and here I am learning that lesson again. Maybe it’s one I never quite understood fully until now. Maybe it’s an age old problem we all face again and again.

So I’m sweeping the pieces of myself that splintered onto the floor when I waited for some kind of reply or acceptance from complete strangers on the internet. I’m putting these pieces into a little paper bag and I will reconstruct the Earlene I wish to be. I have a better idea of whom I have been and what I’m about than anyone else. This way if a piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit in one place, I can put it somewhere else and honor the developing picture of me as I go.

Thank goodness I haven’t made too much of a flirty fool of myself. Thank God I looked up the last fellow who gave me his name. Turns out he’s going to trial in January for sexual battery and assault. Somehow the Universe and Great Spirit have a better plan for me or I wouldn’t have gotten that information before meeting him.

There I feel better. I guess confession is good for the soul

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