Even before my home went on the market in August of 2012, my main focus
was on preparations for my eventual move.
I sorted through tools and boxes of building supplies as well as
material, yarn, beads, canned goods, papers and more papers.
I sorted through my emotions as well.
Grief, anger at having my life changed, anxiety regarding what’s next,
frustration that nothing seemed to be falling into place, and many more pounded
or danced across my psyche. My faith wobbled. My self-confidence soared and
nose-dived. Resentment regarding so many
issues surfaced again and again. I’ve
trudged through days not wanting to make one more decision regarding anything.
One major thing I did for myself was to experience each and every emotion
when it surfaced within me. If I hadn’t,
I think I would have popped a blood vessel somewhere or had a heart
attack. I might have embraced some kind
of disabling disease to avoid what I felt I had to do.
Today, I’m sitting in a lovely bedroom/study with a bathroom bigger than
my office used to be and a walk-in closet about the same size. I have a deck off the sliding glass door into
a yard profuse with roses and all manner of flowers. I moved off the hill in Laytonville and
landed in a rented space at The Flower Farm, and I couldn’t be happier or more
surprised at where I have been and where I am.
At a recent meeting of my Bereavement Group (now known as the Hospice
Hotties), I was asked “How did you know you had to do this? What was the deciding factor that moved you
to make so many changes?”
Answers don’t come easy to these kinds of searching questions, and they are
never formed by one single sentence. I
had to span the last several years for events which now, from hindsight,
contributed to my sitting with less responsibilities than I’ve ever
experienced. I had many options for
answers, but I had to shrug my shoulders and admit that maybe there was just a
simple answer. Maybe I made it through
these last months and years of life-altering changes simply because I like to
rearrange the furniture. I’ve had to
accept the fact that some part of me always seems to want variety in my life: a
new view, a different chair seating, or an additional seasoning in a classic
recipe. When I can’t do this, I get
restless.
I never wanted my step-daughter or husband or best friend to die, nor
did I want other dear friends to move away.
The ultimate rearranging of my life was the Universe’s choice; I just
decided to keep the changes going, and, quite honestly, there were days I thought
I might go crazy from the stress and often dove under the covers for
sanctuary.
Looking back, I can see the seeds for the need to move and change my way
of life being planted long before the losses began. I had begun talking to Y regarding plans for
our ‘later’ years’ in 2008. I was proud
we lived off the grid with wood heat and solar power, but I was tired of long
winters nursing one light on at a time and the constant search and prep for
fire wood. I’d been in one place for 30
years (even tho we had traveled often), and I wanted to rearrange my life. Having lived as a military brat till I was 15
and then moved with my first husband to Europe then back and forth across the
country, I had to admit 35 moves by the time I turned 35 gave me some
experience for this adventure. This bolstered
my confidence. Looking at all I’d done
in 60 plus years helped me realize I had the capability to sell most everything
and start over again. With the support
of a capable pair of hands attached to a fantastic helper named Maggie and
other friends who offered advice and encouragement, I made it.
So, here I sit in a gorgeous location with massive pots of flowers and
arrangements everywhere, very comfortably getting organized and setting my
sights on the rest of my life.
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