AFTER THE HIGH

Monday morning! And after a wonderful weekend of visiting, driving my new little car on an adventure, experiencing the enthralling creation of a singing community in less than two hours of being together, I am strangely ‘down.’ I have had to ask myself every hour on the hour, “What is going on? Why am I feeling out of sorts?”

Everything seems to fall out of my hands onto the floor or collapse in front of me. The only successful thing I did this morning, in an unexpectedly short amount of time, was water the newly-planted vegetables in the raised beds and new felt containers. Sitting in the sun was the most I could do for one solid hour.

Going through my emails and scrolling Facebook entries took up another hour.

Of the many projects on my kitchen table, I did tackle a tax receipt problem for my mom which has entailed finding the paperwork I sent out last week to attempt, yet again, to get my Power of Attorney in place so I can do her business. This is an ongoing challenge because the POA is 20 years old. If I was to try to get another one signed, I would have to contact Ombudsmen to have them approach her with new papers. This is because she’s in a nursing home with dementia, thus making the accomplishment of her signing anything more than a simple task.

The point to all of this is not to whine about details and challenges. No, the point is, I am trying to answer the question: “What has gotten me into this place of no energy, no continuity with thoughts or trails of paperwork I started last week or last month, and why am I grumpy??

It’s a good thing I’m not in any kind of relationship or I’d be biting their head off. Then I think, maybe that is precisely why I’m in a poor mood. I don’t have anyone to share the wondrous experience of yesterday: the singing, the harmonies, the new meaningful songs based on extraordinary poetry. Maybe, I am missing what happens with companionship: making memories together so that each can help the other keep the magic in place behind the drudge of everyday routine. Sigh! I am beginning to believe that my excuse of not being in relationship with a significant other is a cop out, is irresponsible, and not really the truth. I AM in relationship! With myself! With the Earth! With friends!

So that makes way for another possibility. After a high, I am asking myself, is there a resultant low because the high was so high? The acoustics of the large room bounced sound and harmonies among the fifty or so people who were sharing two hours of their time to open their hearts and mouths for beauty. We gave each other healing by standing together and memorizing words and tunes of songs presented by two masters of direction. We sang of heartbreak and mending chaos. We reminded each other of the importance of open hearts, open minds, compassion, determination. We sang counterpoint and left the doubts and fears of our daily world outside that room for a short time.

Would that I could hold on to those words and tunes forever, but just as they flowed into my brain, because we sang one song after another, those thoughts and rhymes flowed out again. I can’t think of one of them today. I want to hold on to at least one little ditty to repeat and repeat so I can attach myself to a small piece of the joy of yesterday. But, damn, I can’t reconstruct a one of them.

And I want more. Is this what it feels to those who go to one expansive experience after another? The lack and the need of lightness, so much so that they push themselves into the next experience and then the next one? Never knowing how to create the linchpin to ground themselves to the feelings they had during the expansive experience? Is this my trouble today? Wanting more? And not knowing today just how to open to the world the way I did yesterday?

If that’s the real cause of my dumps, then I owe it to the experience and to myself to get up and find what will bring back one small portion of the same level of joy from yesterday. Maybe if I experiment enough with every tiny opportunity I can make, I will eventually fill my day with just as much love and light. Maybe that’s what yesterday’s experience requires of me. I’m supposed to be learning how to regroup, reframe, and rekindle in myself that sense of wonder I forgot I had before yesterday. Worth a try!!!