Yesterday was a tough one for me. I had to face a next challenge: the one of realizing my body wasn’t dead, only my relationship as a wife. My mind, it seems, had conveniently forgotten to inform my rebel body about its current state of strict celibacy. Yesterday, it wasn’t taking any orders to be dead, and I experienced intense yearnings to be touched and stroked and kissed.
Sensitive parts gasped at any contact, thrilling me into bloody horniness; hence, my mind crashed because there is no one I want to touch me. There may never be again!!!! That was a totally unexpected, uncalled for, and overwhelming thought.
Besides, if the time comes when I’m no longer standing as a widow but as a single woman, I have to go through the demonizing process of picking and choosing again. The thought of dating, well, that puts me in a state of paralysis. I remember multitudes of evenings spent with a book, very few dinner dates and never a dancing one. Perhaps I was taken to a movie or two, a few parties, and once I went on a gambling trip to Las Vegas which ended in disaster. I have no idea how to do this courting ritual anymore, and I’m scared silly at the prospect. As for choosing, well, I floundered like a fish out of water with that hurdle, finally letting the universe do it for me while I went along for the ride. I met my first husband in the waiting room after his father had a heart attack. I met my second husband through mutual friends.
Hence the slump yesterday, leading to this morning’s vow of not selling myself off to the first man who knocks on the door. I can see why many widows and widowers get married again in the first year of this aloneness. It would be easy to do, given the huge amount of work needed to maintain my mountain home and the various implements needing fixing, as well as the empty space in the house where a real live person used to be. I don’t have someone with whom to fight or to bat around a problem.
I’m better off talking to an imaginary friend, batting a pillow, as well as taking myself in hand or getting massages. My need for intimacy will have to be softened by hugging family and girl friends as well as standing in the sunlight near the post office for comforting conversations. I’ll just have to keep my trouble-making body in tow with yoga and hard work, plus splashes of cold water once in a while. "Sigh" I never thought I'd have the problem of my brain knowing one thing and my body having other ideas.
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