OK, more lessons. Walking behind a three-wheeled cart this morning with laundry from the kitchen and the nurses’ dome, plus facing piles of sleeping bags in which a few campers had accidents during the night, I wondered what my metaphor of learning for the day was.
“Keep it clean!”
“Air my darkest secrets in the sun.” (There is no dryer so I hang everything out.)
Nothing seemed to fit til I realized every step I took with this make-shift cart required I tilt it onto its back tires and shift the direction of the front one so I can keep heading in the direction of the wash house.
A teen staff member passed me and asked, “How're you doing?” My flip answer was “I’m constantly making adjustments.”
He had no idea what I meant. I could tell by the nod of his head and the fact he kept walking.
And that’s my truth today.
I was living in a bubble before Y died. We had a predicable routine because we lived for ourselves, his need and mine. Family was non-demanding and actually lived in other towns. Like most of the snow birds parked in RVs on the desert in winter, we had separated ourselves from hometown life and built a unique community where planning games and songs and barbecues were the biggest challenges.
That’s not what my life is about anymore. I’ve thrown myself into quilting, pillow cases for Hospice, volunteering at the library and local little theater and other self-assignments. These activities have filled a few hours and helped me meet people.
Underneath it all are the demands of keeping my home intact, cooking for one, paying bills, and developing a routine for one where once there were two.
Each day, I have to make another adjustment in my attitude about life or what works or doesn’t work as a problem solving technique.
Just like the way we move into a relationship with another person with communication and compromise, now I’m making a relationship with myself, finding out what I like and don’t , where I want to go, what I want to do, and making this life work again for me. If I make a change, and don’t like it, I get to adjust it again, and again. I guess we all do. It just happened to come up as my understanding for this day.
