OK! I can’t do it! I thought I could, but I can’t. It’s too soon. I’ve not unraveled myself enough from my 33 year marriage to step out with another man.
I thought I could translate my yearning for comfort and companionship to an attitude of adventure and searching. The reality is I yearn for Y‘s arms, his lips, his crazy sense of humor, his world view. He was my anchor in the everyday world of living.
I could count on him to be hungry for lunch at 12 noon sharp and dinner at 6 PM. I could depend on his ability to sort through my moments of confusion about a priority, friendships, food preparations, broken equipment and come up with just the right question or observation or capable hands to settle me back into place. Who else could do that? Who knows me that well? No one! And, I have to face the fact that I don’t have another 33 years to break someone into that role.
So here it is again, that grief of having lost my buddy, of wanting my life back the way it was. I’ve allowed this dating service idea to screw with my head, to be the making or breaking of my self worth, and I’m not going to do it anymore. My value is not out there, it’s inside me and here I am learning that lesson again. Maybe it’s one I never quite understood fully until now. Maybe it’s an age old problem we all face again and again.
So I’m sweeping the pieces of myself that splintered onto the floor when I waited for some kind of reply or acceptance from complete strangers on the internet. I’m putting these pieces into a little paper bag and I will reconstruct the Earlene I wish to be. I have a better idea of whom I have been and what I’m about than anyone else. This way if a piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit in one place, I can put it somewhere else and honor the developing picture of me as I go.
Thank goodness I haven’t made too much of a flirty fool of myself. Thank God I looked up the last fellow who gave me his name. Turns out he’s going to trial in January for sexual battery and assault. Somehow the Universe and Great Spirit have a better plan for me or I wouldn’t have gotten that information before meeting him.
There I feel better. I guess confession is good for the soul
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I Must Confess
I didn’t realize it, but I inadvertently joined the 39%. That’s the percentage increase of men and women over the age of 50 who are now participants in On-Line dating sites. (I didn’t make that number up. I saw it on the news!)
Being on the leading edge of the baby boomer generation, I’m a little flummoxed by this experience. I don’t feel like a pioneer of the movement or even that I know any of the rules. There are so many decisions to make; I’ve had to take over a month to design my greeting which involves describing who I am. It’s taken even longer for me to figure out what I’m looking for.
I started this experience in June and got so anxious when I received flirts and winks and 24 hits in less than five days, I disconnected from the site.
Now in November, I decided to check out the process again. I’m thinking many men have embellished their descriptions of themselves. I guess women do the same thing. This reminds me of high school where competition for approval and dating social strata was more than I could deal with. When I read these men’s descriptions with such adjectives as kind, sincere, trustworthy, likeable, friendly, with a good sense of humor, and I see they are also divorced, I wonder what kind of woman walked out on that? What are all these men not saying? My cynicism tells me there is a disconnect between their views of themselves and the reality of another person’s observations.
I’m more than a little anxious about one of the characteristics of this site. If I click to learn more about a man, my actions get noted on their personal profile. So since I haven’t been able to keep profiles and pictures straight, I’ve been clicking on ones I thought I remembered to see if I have the correct details. On their end, they must think I’m stalking them. When I save their profile to a favorite list, they know about that too.
I have the same deal, and it has had the effect of making me check the site every hour to see if anyone has looked at my profile. I’m appalled at myself. I’m a grown woman glued to a dating site to make me feel like I’m some kind of attractive. It has done nothing for me but screw with my head. I even squealed when some guy 'faved' me and, so far only one man has. We met for coffee and you’d have thought I was no more that 15 years old. When I’m looking at it logically, I tell myself I’m just trying to understand what the dating scene is out in the world now. When I look at it with a little more honesty, I have to admit living in the mountains in the middle of all this lovely wild life and mountains is a bit lonesome. But what am I looking for? I’m beginning to suspect the experience of being on the site is the end of the process because, after the one and only uninspiring coffee date, I’m not really ready to jump into the next phase of meeting men. That experience took the wind out of my sails. Maybe that’s why I’m keeping the areas of my profile searches limited to New Jersey, Maine, and Florida. I won’t be embarrassed by someone at the grocery store asking, “Didn’t I see you on Senior People Meet.com? Gosh your picture made you look ________!” (Choose your own embarrassing adjective: thinner, younger, more rested, or sexy.)
Being on the leading edge of the baby boomer generation, I’m a little flummoxed by this experience. I don’t feel like a pioneer of the movement or even that I know any of the rules. There are so many decisions to make; I’ve had to take over a month to design my greeting which involves describing who I am. It’s taken even longer for me to figure out what I’m looking for.
I started this experience in June and got so anxious when I received flirts and winks and 24 hits in less than five days, I disconnected from the site.
Now in November, I decided to check out the process again. I’m thinking many men have embellished their descriptions of themselves. I guess women do the same thing. This reminds me of high school where competition for approval and dating social strata was more than I could deal with. When I read these men’s descriptions with such adjectives as kind, sincere, trustworthy, likeable, friendly, with a good sense of humor, and I see they are also divorced, I wonder what kind of woman walked out on that? What are all these men not saying? My cynicism tells me there is a disconnect between their views of themselves and the reality of another person’s observations.
I’m more than a little anxious about one of the characteristics of this site. If I click to learn more about a man, my actions get noted on their personal profile. So since I haven’t been able to keep profiles and pictures straight, I’ve been clicking on ones I thought I remembered to see if I have the correct details. On their end, they must think I’m stalking them. When I save their profile to a favorite list, they know about that too.
I have the same deal, and it has had the effect of making me check the site every hour to see if anyone has looked at my profile. I’m appalled at myself. I’m a grown woman glued to a dating site to make me feel like I’m some kind of attractive. It has done nothing for me but screw with my head. I even squealed when some guy 'faved' me and, so far only one man has. We met for coffee and you’d have thought I was no more that 15 years old. When I’m looking at it logically, I tell myself I’m just trying to understand what the dating scene is out in the world now. When I look at it with a little more honesty, I have to admit living in the mountains in the middle of all this lovely wild life and mountains is a bit lonesome. But what am I looking for? I’m beginning to suspect the experience of being on the site is the end of the process because, after the one and only uninspiring coffee date, I’m not really ready to jump into the next phase of meeting men. That experience took the wind out of my sails. Maybe that’s why I’m keeping the areas of my profile searches limited to New Jersey, Maine, and Florida. I won’t be embarrassed by someone at the grocery store asking, “Didn’t I see you on Senior People Meet.com? Gosh your picture made you look ________!” (Choose your own embarrassing adjective: thinner, younger, more rested, or sexy.)
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