Monday
morning! And after a wonderful weekend of visiting, driving my new little car
on an adventure, experiencing the enthralling creation of a singing community in
less than two hours of being together, I am strangely ‘down.’ I have had to ask
myself every hour on the hour, “What is going on? Why am I feeling out of
sorts?”
Everything
seems to fall out of my hands onto the floor or collapse in front of me. The
only successful thing I did this morning, in an unexpectedly short amount of time,
was water the newly-planted vegetables in the raised beds and new felt
containers. Sitting in the sun was the most I could do for one solid hour.
Going
through my emails and scrolling Facebook entries took up another hour.
Of the many projects on my kitchen table, I
did tackle a tax receipt problem for my mom which has entailed finding the paperwork
I sent out last week to attempt, yet again, to get my Power of Attorney in
place so I can do her business. This is an ongoing challenge because the POA is
20 years old. If I was to try to get another one signed, I would have to
contact Ombudsmen to have them approach her with new papers. This is because
she’s in a nursing home with dementia, thus making the accomplishment of her signing anything more than a simple task.
The
point to all of this is not to whine about details and challenges. No, the
point is, I am trying to answer the question: “What has gotten me into this
place of no energy, no continuity with thoughts or trails of paperwork I started
last week or last month, and why am I grumpy??
It’s
a good thing I’m not in any kind of relationship or I’d be biting their head
off. Then I think, maybe that is precisely why I’m in a poor mood. I don’t have
anyone to share the wondrous experience of yesterday: the singing, the
harmonies, the new meaningful songs based on extraordinary poetry. Maybe, I am
missing what happens with companionship: making memories together so that each
can help the other keep the magic in place behind the drudge of everyday
routine. Sigh! I am beginning to believe that my excuse of not being in
relationship with a significant other is a cop out, is irresponsible, and not
really the truth. I AM in relationship! With myself! With the Earth! With
friends!
So
that makes way for another possibility. After a high, I am asking myself, is
there a resultant low because the high was so high? The acoustics of the large room
bounced sound and harmonies among the fifty or so people who were sharing two
hours of their time to open their hearts and mouths for beauty. We gave each
other healing by standing together and memorizing words and tunes of songs
presented by two masters of direction. We sang of heartbreak and mending chaos.
We reminded each other of the importance of open hearts, open minds,
compassion, determination. We sang counterpoint and left the doubts and fears
of our daily world outside that room for a short time.
Would
that I could hold on to those words and tunes forever, but just as they flowed
into my brain, because we sang one song after another, those thoughts and
rhymes flowed out again. I can’t think of one of them today. I want to hold on
to at least one little ditty to repeat and repeat so I can attach myself to a
small piece of the joy of yesterday. But, damn, I can’t reconstruct a one of
them.
And
I want more. Is this what it feels to those who go to one expansive experience
after another? The lack and the need of lightness, so much so that they push themselves into the next
experience and then the next one? Never knowing how to create the linchpin to
ground themselves to the feelings they had during the expansive experience? Is
this my trouble today? Wanting more? And not knowing today just how to open to
the world the way I did yesterday?
If
that’s the real cause of my dumps, then I owe it to the experience and to
myself to get up and find what will bring back one small portion of the same
level of joy from yesterday. Maybe if I experiment enough with every tiny
opportunity I can make, I will eventually fill my day with just as much love
and light. Maybe that’s what yesterday’s experience requires of me. I’m
supposed to be learning how to regroup, reframe, and rekindle in myself that
sense of wonder I forgot I had before yesterday. Worth a try!!!
